


All Falls Down

by AngelsAnarchy



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Blow Jobs, M/M, Mentions of Death, mentions of drug use, mentions of loss of virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 18:35:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8907487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsAnarchy/pseuds/AngelsAnarchy
Summary: This was a prompt I'd written post finale about Lukas mistakenly asking for space after Ryan was finally killed but him not knowing about Philip's mom. Figured I'd turn it into a few chapters of Lukas trying to help Philip cope with the loss of his mother from someone that not only loves him but knows his pain.





	1. Chapter 1

The first week the hospital had insisted Lukas stay and rest. His body had been through a lot and after they said the killer was dead and Philip was safe, he could rest easy. He knew he should try to text Philip but his dad refused to leave him and things seemed too fragile still to ask him if he could call Philip. They talked about a plan for him to rest up when he got home and when he was ready to get back on his bike, they’d replace the one that was damaged in the shooting.

  
The second week he’d been able to go home and things with his dad seemed even more tense avoiding talking about his sexuality. It was making him anxious. So anxious that when Philip tried to call him, he didn’t answer. Just texted that he needed some space for a bit. He didn’t hear anything else from Philip after that.

  
Week three, he was over it. He was over not talking about it. He was over not seeing Philip. He wanted to talk to him and hold him. They’d survived and now they were wasting time being apart.

  
“Dad, I need to talk about it. I can’t keep doing this awkward avoiding thing. I’m…I’m gay and I’m in love with Philip.” Bo took his glasses off his face and sat back in his chair.

  
“I know you don’t understand and you hate that I’m different but it’s the truth. I’ve never been as happy as when I’m with him. He..he saved my life.” Lukas swallowed hard and looked away from his dad’s piercing gaze.

  
“If you want me to leave-” Bo stood up quickly and wrapped his arms around Lukas. Lukas winced from the still healing wound on his chest that had healed over with a scab but still ached.

  
“You’re my son and I love you no matter what. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say that. I might not understand being gay but I understand what being in love is like. Your mother would be proud of you.” Lukas gripped his dad a bit tighter and let out a sigh he’d been holding for years.

  
“Maybe you should give Philip a call. See how he’s doing, Gabe said he still hasn’t been able to leave his room.” Lukas looked at his dad curiously.

  
“What? He saved your life and you’re in love with him. It’s only right I keep tabs on him.” Lukas laughed blushing a bit.

  
“Thanks dad.” Bo smiled at his son.

  
“He’s gonna need you to get through this. You know how hard it was to lose your mom.” Lukas froze and turned on his heel.

  
“Wait what? What do you mean? Did something happen to Anne?” Lukas asked seeing his dad’s face fall.

  
“Oh son, Kane…he got to her. I thought you knew.” Lukas felt his stomach drop. Ryan had killed Philip’s mom.

  
“Son? Sit down.” Bo caught him before he fell and he plopped down in the chair to catch his breath.

  
“I need…I need to see him. Please dad.” Lukas was getting upset and Bo grabbed his keys. Lukas didn’t know what he was going to say, he just needed to get to Philip. He thought about how he tried to call him but he’d told him he needed space. God he felt awful.

  
When they pulled up, Gabe and Helen both walked out.

  
“Where is he?! Is he here? Is he okay?” Lukas asked frantically and they nodded.

  
“He’s up in his room. He hasn’t left to go anywhere except the funeral a week ago.” Lukas figured that’s when he called and felt even worse.

  
“Can I please go see him?” Lukas asked politely and Gabe handed him a plate.

  
“We can’t get him to eat much, maybe you can.” Lukas took the plate and ran up the stairs as fast as his body would allow slowly opening Philip’s door.

The room was dark. Clothes and boxes were on the floor and there was a heap buried under the covers in the center of the bed. Lukas put the plate down and walked over to the bed slowly, kicking his shoes off and squatting next to the bed.

  
“Philip…it’s me.” Lukas reached out and put his hand on top of the lump in the bed.

  
“I’m so sorry I didn’t answer your call. Things were…it doesn’t matter how things were. I didn’t know about your mom. I should have been here for you. I should have…I’m just so sorry you have to feel that pain but you aren’t alone. You’ll never be alone with it as long as you’ll let me be here for you. I know I’ve screwed up a lot but I love you and I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this alone.” Lukas heard sniffling from the closet and turned around to see Philip’s bare foot in the crack of the door. He walked over and pulled the door open slightly to see Philip looking a wreck, knees to his chest rocking back and forth.

  
“Hey…what are you doing in there?” Lukas asked softly sitting down outside of the door.

  
“They leave me alone if they think I’m sleeping. I just…whenever my mom had guys over or a dealer was coming by, she would tell me to hide in the closet and she’d come get me when it was safe. When the world was too scary for me to handle, I’d hide in the closet and she’d come get me out and now…she can’t. Now the world is the scariest it’s ever been and she’ll never…she’ll never get me out.” Philip started sobbing and Lukas pulled him into his lap to hold him tightly. Lukas breathed into the top of Philip’s hair, whispering softly and trying to soothe his agony until his sobs died down.

  
“I tried to call you…we had a service but I still haven’t spread her ashes.” Philip wipe his face and Lukas let him pull away.

  
“I know a beautiful spot she probably would have loved if you want, I can take you both there.” Philip looked at Lukas and frowned out of relief.

  
“First, you have to let me take care of you. It breaks my heart I didn’t get to know your mom better but I know how much she loved you and she wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself.” Philip leaned his head on Lukas’ shoulder and Lukas stroked his hair.

  
“I just…it’s hard for me to function in a world without her.” Philip said sadly and Lukas nodded.

  
“I know. We’ll go slow.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I didn't think so many people would like this! I'd love to hear more of what you'd like to read so please leave comments. I don't really have any real structure to this one so input would be great. Also it's not beta'd so apologies for any errors.

Lukas had never really taken care of anyone before. He'd cleaned up after his dad when he went on a bender but he never really considered that taking care of him. He helped Philip off the floor and over to the bed. He clearly hadn't showered in a few days and Philip tried to apologize but Lukas shook his head.

"I'm going to grab you some clothes and we're going to get you cleaned up, okay?" Lukas started rummaging through the barely filled dresser and grabbed some clean pajama bottoms, boxer briefs and an undershirt for Philip to slip into before putting his hand out for Philip to grab. He did and pulled him to his feet. Helen was outside the door and jumped back slightly.

"Um we're going to get cleaned up. I think that sandwich might be a bit stale at this point but we're going to eat when he gets out...if that's okay." Lukas cleared his throat and Helen looked at Philip who was leaning into Lukas' shoulder tiredly seeing that just having him here was helping ease the pain.

"Sure that sounds great. Gabe is making spaghetti for dinner. I hope you're staying a while. I think we'd all like it if you stuck around." Helen smiled at Lukas and he returned the nod.

"Yeah I'd love to, thanks." Helen pointed to a door and Lukas followed her finger.

"Bathroom is on the left, clean towels are in the linen closet just inside the door. Just hollar if you need anything." Helen headed back downstairs and Lukas pushed the bathroom door open. Philip sat down on the toilet seat and watched as Lukas moved around the bathroom, gathering towels and checking the water to make sure it was warm enough. When he turned back to Philip, he looked dejected and closed off. He squatted down in front of him and put his hand on his face seeing Philip close his eyes trying to take comfort in the touch.

"You don't have to do this..." Philip's voice sounded heavy like he hadn't been using it much and it almost hurt him to.

"I know I don't but unless you tell me to stop, I'm going to take these clothes off and get you washed up." Philip looked up at him for a few moments and softly nodded letting Lukas pull his shirt over his head and discard it. He stood slowly and kicked out of both his underwear and his pants not feeling remotely shy now that they'd already had sex. That day in the motel wasn't what either of them pictured when they thought about having sex but just being able to be that intimate with one another meant everything. Lukas pulled his shirt over his head and Philip stared at him.

"I promise I won't try anything, I just know how uneasy you are and I don't want you to fall. If it makes you uncomfortable-"

"It doesn't." Philip cut Lukas off and let him finished getting undressed and Lukas stepped in first holding his hand out for Philip to take. He took it and carefully lifted his leg up to get into the shower, staying out of the spray at first and letting Lukas ease him into it slowly turning his back to the spray letting it ease the muscles in his back and shoulders. It felt like his hair had grown much longer in only a months time with the way it covered his face and a memory of his mom telling him how much she loves his long hair because it curled up like hers made him choke on a sob.

"Hey... _hey_." Philip covered his face and sobbed into his hands and Lukas pulled him into his chest. Lukas stroked his skin trying to keep Philip on his feet and calm but the steam from the shower was making Philip hyperventilate.

"I can't..I can't breathe." Philip fell to his knees and hunched over the wall of the tub. Lukas moved quickly to turn the water off and throw the curtain open on the shower to get more air to Philip. He draped a towel over his back and jumped out to crack the window which helped bring cool air into the bathroom. Philip rested his head on his arm, still sitting in the tub completely naked and shaking.

"I'm such a fucking mess." Philip breathed out and Lukas grabbed an extra towel to wrap around his waist while he prepared the tub for a bath instead of a shower.

"You're supposed to be a mess man. Stop being so hard on yourself." Lukas was angry at himself. Maybe he was pushing too hard? Maybe he was making it worse?

"When my mom died, I went through some of the same things. Obviously it's different circumstances, different ages but all I can remember is being so devastated and feeling so alone that I lost a part of myself in it. I stopped talking for a while too. My dad took me to a doctor and they said I was just in shock but I'd get over it. I think he was more relieved they didn't say I had depression because then that would mean there was something really wrong, you know?" Philip let the tub fill with warm water around him and Lukas stepped in behind him, putting his legs on either side and pulling Philip back against his chest keeping his hand over Philip's heart.

"Take some deep breaths okay? In through your nose and out through your mouth." Philip mimicked Lukas' deep breathing until he was calm enough to lull his head back against his shoulder. Lukas soaped up the rag and ran it over Philip's chest and shoulder's. He tried to get all the places he could reach with Philip resting against him and when he finally sat up, he washed his back and neck. Philip turned around and propped his legs over top of Lukas' thighs letting Lukas wash his hair while he fumbled to wash Lukas' chest. He couldn't stop staring at the scab and softly running his finger under it.

"Does it hurt?" Philip finally spoke again and Lukas ran his hands through Philip's soapy hair and used a cup from under the linen closet to wash the suds away.

"It aches sometimes but it doesn't hurt like it did before." Lukas explained. Philip's hand moved away from it and rested on Lukas' stomach.

"When things in your head get too much that you start to feel overwhelmed, just say them out loud okay? I used to..." Lukas stopped himself and Philip looked up at him.

"I used to have these panic attacks when I was a kid but I didn't have anyone to talk to, I couldn't tell my dad so I would go into the bathroom, strip down to my underwear and lay in the bathtub. The coldness surrounding me...it would calm me. I wished I had someone who I could have talked to, someone who would have listened to me. Maybe I wouldn't have turned out so aggressive when I first met you. Maybe I wouldn't be so scared now?" Philip stared at Lukas and gave him a sad smile before breaking the eye contact to let out a heavy sigh.

"It was my hair." He said making Lukas' hands pause as he pushed Philip's now clean hair back.

"My mom loved when my hair would get this long because it would curl up on the ends. She always said I had her curls and I just...when does it stop hurting? When does the stabbing pain go away?" He asked making Lukas lean forward and kiss his forehead.

"It doesn't go away, it just gets easier to live with. I wish I could lie and tell you that time makes it better but it doesn't ever get better, it just gets easier." Lukas hated himself for not being able to fill that void for Philip but he knew no one ever would.

By the time they were finished in the bathroom, dressed and back in Philip's room, Helen had already changed his sheets, putting new clean ones on so he'd be comfortable. Philip plopped down on the bed and Lukas shook his wet hair out.

"Did you want to try and eat downstairs or do you want me to bring it up?" Lukas asked and Philip rubbed the back of his neck.

"I've got a headache so I don't think I'm really up for the whole dinner scene right now." Lukas didn't expect Philip to want to be social but he still wanted to ask. He'd come down when he was ready. He walked over and kissed his head.

"I'll get us a plate then. Don't go back to sleep yet. You have to eat, I'm not above sitting on your chest and making you eat." Philip snorted.

"Sounds hot." He joked and Lukas felt a bit of excitement. Philip was grieving heavily but he refused to let him lose his light, not like he had when he lost his mom. Lukas walked down the stairs and both Gabe and Helen stood up quickly.

"He's starting to get a headache so I think he's going to eat in his room if that's okay?" Lukas saw them visibly deflate but started making him a plate.

"How's he doing?" Helen asked while Gabe looked over his shoulder.

"Not great. He had a panic attack in the shower so I thought a bath would be better. Might have used a lot of your hot water so sorry about that." Lukas blushed but Helen waved her hand around.

"Today is the most he's moved around since the funeral so you can use all the hot water you want." Lukas nodded and looked around for his dad.

"Bo actually left this for you." Helen picked up a duffle and held it out to Lukas.

"We told him how bad Philip has gotten and he thought that if you were up for it, you could stay for a bit, no pressure though. If you don't want-"

"No no! I want to stay! I just...how did he seem when he said it? I mean all of this is still new for him. I don't want him to think we're trying to do anything, I just don't want him to be alone." Lukas said honestly and Gabe gripped his shoulder.

"He seemed sympathetic and a little guilty. He told us you didn't really have anyone there for you after your mom passed and he always regretted not getting you someone to talk to so I think he's genuinely okay with you being here as long as you can handle it." Gabe explained making him feel lighter. Lukas could see that Helen and Gabe really did care about Philip. Helen was a hardass but she seemed desperate to take care of Philip too which changed his mind about her.

"I don't think I ever really said thank you to you guys...for being so cool about everything even though I was an ass to Philip. Thanks for giving me a second chance..and for saving my life..both our lives." Lukas swallowed hard and without thinking pulled Helen into a hug. She let out a surprised noise but hugged him back. Gabe smiled and held up two plates towards him.

"Let us know if you guys need anything." Lukas took the plates and whispered a thank you before heading up the stairs. Philip was sitting with his back against the headboard, knees drawn to his chest and head tilted back. Lukas kicked the door shut and walked the plate over to him before sitting his bag down on the bed.

"What's the bag for?" Philip asked curiously and Lukas opened it up to look inside. He started to undo his jeans and pull them off only serving to confuse Philip more.

"My dad dropped a bag off for me and said I could stay with you." Philip looked at him like he didn't believe him but saw that he'd pulled out pajama pants.

"He's just suddenly cool with you spending the night here...with me...in my bed?" Philip asked in disbelief.

"He knows how much you mean to me and I'm pretty sure he's smart enough to know that even if he made me come home, I'd just sneak back here anyway." Lukas explained setting his bag in the corner.

"Really? You...you want to stay?" Lukas tilted his head at the question pulling on the pants and sitting down next to Philip, leaving his plate at the end of the bed so he could use both of his hands to grip Philip's face.

"There's no place I'd rather be. I'm here for as long as you need me." Lukas leaned in but didn't kiss Philip. He let him make that decision which he did after a moment of enjoying the feeling of just being close. It was a sweet kiss, a silent thank you before Lukas pulled his plate into his lap and nodded towards Philip's.

"You don't have to eat all of it but just try to eat some of it." At first they started eating in complete silence. Philip didn't have a TV in his room but the silence wasn't awkward or tense. He picked at his food and Lukas finally picked up his fork, twirling some of it and bringing it up to Philip's lips.

"I don't need you to feed me." Philip rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, you love when I feed you plus it's romantic." Lukas nudged his head at the fork and Philip took the bite. Lukas would take a few bites and then feed Philip a bite at a time before he finally said he'd had enough. Lukas had hoped he'd eat more but he didn't want him to be sick either. He cleared the plates and took them back down to the kitchen. When he returned, Philip was under the covers and facing the window. Lukas shut the door, turned the light off and pulled his shirt over his head before sliding into the bed next to him. He wrapped his arms around Philip and pulled him back into his chest and he took hold of Lukas' hand letting his tears fall on them. Lukas peppered the back of his neck with kisses and rubbed his cheek over the wet spots hoping that the tears would slow long enough for him to pass out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some smut in this chapter so prepare yourself for a bit of that.

Lukas was startled awake when Philip kicked off of him to tumble onto the floor, grabbing the trash bin and retching out all the spaghetti he got down hours earlier. Lukas rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and was on his feet in a second rubbing his back. He helped him to the bathroom, washing the bin out while Philip splashed water on his face and brushed his teeth. Lukas pulled a wash cloth out of the linen closet and ran it under the cold water, ringing it out and running it down Philip's tired face as he leaned against the counter.

"You didn't have to get up." He said defeated and Lukas didn't bother replying. Eventually Philip would realize that he's not going anywhere and he's stuck with him. He pushed the cloth off his face and Lukas rinsed it out watching him turn around and rest his forehead on his arm. Lukas put the washcloth on his neck and Philip shivered feeling his body respond to the cool water trickling down his back. Philip could feel the weight of his grief in his stomach and his back. He was exhausted and sad and tried to keep it from consuming him but it pulled on his heart so hard it took his breath away.  Lukas left the rag on his neck and walked out of the bathroom, briefly making him wonder if he'd finally chased him off but when he walked back into the bedroom, Lukas had a glass of ginger ale and a bowl of cracks.

Philip couldn't help himself. He finally let a smile spread across his face and Lukas froze. Standing at the end of the bed, shirtless, hair a mess holding something to soothe Philip's upset stomach.

"You love me." Philip said making Lukas' eyebrow go up silently asking for an explanation. Philip pulled on Lukas' wrist until he sat the stuff on his nightstand and was now seated next to him on the bed.

"When you were in the hospital and you were in the coma, I told you that you had to wake up because I love you. It was surprisingly easier to say when I thought I was going to lose you but I've known for a while now. I didn't want to say it to your face because...I don't know. I was scared..of how you'd react but now I'm not so afraid." Philip put his hands on Lukas' face pulling him in for a kiss. Lukas rested a hand on his elbow until Philip stopped kissing him and pulled Lukas into the bed to lay on top of him. They continued to kiss for a few moments before Lukas pushed himself up and grabbed one of the crackers.

"You need to settle your stomach." He held it up to Philip's lips and he laughed eating it slowly.

"This isn't how I expected everything panning out. You were the one who was shot, I had plans to take care of you and now here you are taking care of me. I honestly didn't think you'd ever-" Philip sipped his ginger ale cutting himself off making Lukas curious.

"Ever what?" He pressed letting Philip know he wasn't going to drop it.

"Ever really care about me the way I care about you. Being domestic and taking care of me, all of this is sort of surprises me." Lukas snorted.

"Did you not think I was capable of being gentle or did you really not think I cared as much about you as you care about me?" Lukas asked and Philip didn't want to upset him but he knew he had to be honest.

"Both I guess. The time we spent in the barn together, that was the first time you were ever really...gentle with me like someone would be with their significant other. Lukas pushed a piece of Philip's hair off his face and nodded.

"That time in the barn was the first time I really felt like I could breathe and be myself with you. Just holding you and listening to music, talking and kissing you." Philip smiled putting the rest of the crackers on the night stand and snuggling back down in the sheets facing Lukas as he mimicked his position.

"I'm glad you can be yourself with me. I kinda like soft Lukas." Lukas returned Philip's smile and leaned forward to kiss his lips. When Lukas tried to pull back, Philip threw his leg over his hips and straddled him, pushing his hips down against Lukas' and pulling on the bottom of his hair. Lukas groaned letting Philip plunder his mouth with his tongue tasting the salt of the crackers and hints of the ginger ale.

"You know what I wish? I wish we could get a second shot at our first time together." Lukas opened his eyes and looked up at Philip.

"Why?" Philip sat up a bit and kissed Lukas' chest.

"Because it wasn't perfect. It wasn't romantic and it was rushed. Too much was happening and we just didn't get to enjoy it the way we should have." Philip explained but Lukas stopped him.

"It was with you, to me it was perfect." Lukas whispered in the dark and Philip stared at him to see if he was being serious. It would appear that he was because he pulled Philip from his lap and turned him around to spoon him.

"How about our second time? What do you want our second time to be like?" Lukas snuggled in behind Philip, wrapping his arms around him tightly and kissing his neck.

"I wouldn't mind some foreplay that didn't involve eating cereal out of your hand and you spraying me with the dust crumbs." Lukas laughed and Philip closed his eyes falling in love with the sound.

"Alright I think I can manage nonfood related foreplay." Lukas kissed his ear and Philip moved his hips just a bit to grind back into Lukas.

"I want go down on you." Lukas froze.

"I want to blow you and finger you so you know how good it feels, how good it felt to have you inside of me." Philip kept swiveling his hips and Lukas' breaths became heavy on the back of Philip's neck.

"Y-yeah? I'd like that. I might even let you do me if we go really, really slow." Lukas pushed his hips forward so Philip could feel how hard he was, gripping onto his hip tightly with a shaky hand.

"I would take care of you Lukas. I would make sure it felt good for you." Philip turned his head and Lukas kissed his mouth sloppily rubbing against his ass and moving his hand from Philip's hip to his crotch. Lukas finally pulled back and stopped himself.

"It's okay, hey it's okay. I'm okay." Philip tried to pull him back but Lukas hovered over him.

"Please don't stop. This is the best I've felt since I've been home. I just need you." Philip begged making Lukas rise up to support his weight above Philip.

"I feel like I'm taking advantage of you and I don't ever want to do anything with you that you'll regret again." Lukas really wanted to make Philip feel good but he didn't want to hurt him either. Philip smiled through a frown and reached up to touch Lukas' face.

"I don't regret our first time Lukas. I love you. Being with you was everything. I could never regret that." Philip ran his hand down Lukas' chest and he held his gaze. Lukas leaned down an pecked Philip's lips sweetly before littering his jaw and neck with kisses. He looked up and saw Philip close his eyes as he kissed and sucked at his chest. Lukas kept his eyes up as he moved lower and Philip finally opened his eyes feeling Lukas moving lower. He paused waiting for some sort of signal to move forward and Philip nodded frantically. Lukas pulled on the waistband of the pajama pants and slid both his boxers and his pants down far enough to expose Philip's cock. He kissed around it trying to keep his heartbeat from exploding. He gave Philip a swift lick just to test it out and he was surprisingly please with the taste.

"Oh god." Philip bit his bottom lip as Lukas took the head of his cock into his mouth and started to suck. Lukas felt himself getting extremely hard the more Philip tried to stifle his moans so that no one would hear him. To know that he was doing this to Philip, that he was actually sucking Philip's cock, Lukas moaned from his own pleasure making Philip's hands grab a hold of Lukas' hair tightly.

"Fuck Lukas. Fuck that feels so good." Philip almost sounded like he wanted to cry from how much pleasure he was feeling and Lukas continued to bob his head up and down taking in as much as he could without choking. The more Philip whimpered the harder he sucked until he felt Philip moving his hips.

"Lukas...I'm going to come." He warned but Lukas had already committed to this. He wanted to know what he tasted like. He squeezed Philip's hands until he opened his eyes and looked down at Lukas who sucked harder until Philip finally came down his throat. Lukas flinched slightly from the surprise and the heavy taste but he kept swallowing until Philip started to tremble and push Lukas off his dick. Philip sat up quickly and grabbed Lukas by the neck to kiss into his mouth, no doubt tasting himself on Lukas' tongue. His hand found Lukas' dick and all he had to do was squeeze him once before Lukas was coming on Philip's stomach. Philip was surprised that his pleasure got Lukas off that quickly but he made sure to reach over and grab enough tissue to clean them up so that he could snuggle back into Lukas' chest.

"Thank you." Philip sighed kissing Lukas' chest.

"Thank you for letting me be here with you." Lukas kissed the top of his head still trying to get used to how much he liked the taste of Philip. Giving a blow job was oddly thrilling. He liked being in control of Philip's pleasure and in return it got him off just knowing he was causing such amazing feelings.

"When I got on your bike that first time, I never in a million years thought we'd be here like this." Philip sighed from exhaustion and Lukas pulled him to his chest tighter.

"That makes two of us." Lukas relaxed back into the bed feeling equally as exhausted as Philip did.

"The next time we get some alone time, I'll make sure it's special. We'll have hours together to take each other apart and there will be candles and everything." Philip stroked up and down Lukas' chest.

"Not before I take you on a real date first." Philip lifted his head and looked at Lukas until he opened his eyes.

"You want to take me on a date...in public?" Lukas chewed on his lip for a moment and shrugged.

"I mean I don't know about how public I want to be, I kind of had an idea already but it was more of a private thing. I don't really like sharing you with the world but if you'd prefer it be out in public-" Philip put his hand up.

"No no it's fine. Whatever you have planned will be fine, I just...I don't know. A real date." Lukas put his hand on the back of Philip's neck and pulled him down.

"I'm in this Philip. All the way in this. When I broke up with Rose, you asked me why I did it and I told you that I didn't want a girlfriend. It wasn't just because I didn't want a girlfriend, it was because I wanted a boyfriend...you. I wanted you to be my boyfriend. I was going to wait and ask you after our first date but if you for a second think that I don't this then you're wrong." Lukas stroked Philip's hair and tucked it behind his ear just as he smiled so he could thumb over his dimples.

"You need to get some sleep." Lukas reached across Philip and turned the light off and Philip tried to keep himself from grinning.

"Hey...I'd love to be your boyfriend." Philip caught Lukas as he tried to lay back down and Lukas leaned down to kiss his lips once more before laying on his back.

"Good. Now get some sleep."

 Philip managed to sleep for a whole twelve hours and Lukas found out how heavily he slept in the process. He was able to get up quickly to pee and brush his teeth before sliding back into the bed, Philip rolling over and nestling into his side. Gabe and Helen had come up stairs and opened the door to offer some food and they managed to actually have a conversation without him waking up. Lukas told them about how much he had eaten and how he'd gotten sick and they were grateful he got up to take care of him in the middle of the night. They brought Lukas up some food and made sure that Philip would have some if he woke up but it was like he hadn't slept in weeks. Lukas ate and checked in with his dad, even took the time to copy Rose's notes for the both of them before he snuggled back down into the bed to look Philip over. He stroked his fingers through his curls and smiled remembering what he'd said about his mom. Just meeting Anne the one time and Lukas could tell her got his hair and his smile from her. He'd never talked about his dad but Lukas would never force him to. His face was peaceful and relaxed lost in exhaustion and thankfully free of nightmares. Lukas didn't have any doubts about his feelings anymore. They'd been through hell and survived but the absolutely love he had for Phillip was undeniable. He never thought he'd feel like this for someone and in a way, he felt lucky. Terrible things had happened to them but Philip made him feel free.

Lukas went back to reading the book he'd gotten from his therapist about PTSD when he heard Philip let out a sigh. He glanced down at him and noticed his eyes were now open and he had a soft smile on his lips.

"Hey, did I wake you?" Lukas sat the book on his lap and Philip shook his head.

"I've either been asleep five minutes or five hours considering it's dark out still." He croaked. Lukas leaned over and grabbed a water bottle to hand to him. Philip sat up slowly and started to chug from the bottle.

"You've actually been asleep for a little over thirteen hours now but you look rested so you obviously needed it." Philip looked shocked.

"Wow I don't think I've ever slept that long in my entire life. I guess it's just easier with you next to me." Lukas ruffled the back of Philip's matted hair.

"Well then we'll have to talk to Helen, Gabe and my dad about working something out, at least until you're ready to sleep on your own again." Philip moved his hands up to touch Lukas' face. He'd felt like he was dreaming having Lukas take care of him. After everything that had happened, he never really thought there would ever be a day where he wasn't the one making sure Lukas was okay but he was wrong. Lukas had taken care of him when he was sick, helped him eat, put him to bed and even gave him a blowjob to help him relax enough to sleep for a change.

"Do you want to try and eat downstairs or do you want me to grab something to bring up? I don't think you should be eating anything with red sauce though until your stomach gets used to eating again." Lukas moved like he was prepared to get up and retrieve dinner when Philip grabbed his arm to stop him.

"I think I'd like to try to go downstairs. My legs feel weird though so can you just make sure I don't land on my face?" Philip stood up and stretched his body out making Lukas nod walking over to put his arm behind his back. They walked carefully down the stairs and both Helen and Gabe jumped up.

"No need to get up, I'm okay. Just figured I'd come down and show my face a little." Philip looked a lot better than he did the last time he'd been downstairs. Helen couldn't help but hover but Gabe stood back smiling at him.

"It's good to see your face again son. I'm sure you're hungry after all that rest you got." Gabe walked over to the fridge and Lukas helped Philip into a chair.

"Lukas suggested soup earlier and I picked up all the things you asked for." Philip looked up at Lukas.

"What did you ask for?" Lukas walked over to the brown bag Gabe was holding and shrugged.

"It's a recipe my mom always made whenever I got sick to my stomach. I got the flu a lot when I was a kid but the soup was the only thing that I could keep down that tasted great so when I found the recipe in one of her old books, I memorized it. It's no big deal." Lukas blushed as he took things out of the bag and sat them on the counter. Philip watched him intently but tried to keep conversation with Helen while Gabe helped Lukas peel and chop vegetables.

"We talked to Bo about letting Lukas stay a little while longer and he said that it was fine but he'd still like to visit Lukas and make sure he's being taken care of too." Philip looked over at Lukas who had laughed at something Gabe said.

"He's supposed to be taking anxiety pills and journalling for his therapist so if you want I can-" Philip looked over at Helen.

"I can handle it. He's taking care of me, I'll take care of him." Philip assured her and she reached out to touch his hand.

"How are you feeling? You definitely do look a lot better. I'm glad he's helping." She smiled at him following Philip's gaze back to Lukas.

"I feel tired but I guess my body is just catching up on sleep. My stomach hurts but I don't feel as hopeless as I did yesterday." Philip answered honestly. Helen nodded and patted his arm.

"That's progress. Maybe you'll consider going to that doctor we talked about?" Philip shrugged and Helen knew she didn't want to push him too much.

"I want to try and start working on my homework tomorrow. Catch up so I'll be ready to go back soon. I can't just stop living." Helen pushed his hair off his face and leaned over to kiss his forehead.

"I haven't told you lately but I'm really proud of you." Philip snorted.

"I don't know why, I hadn't eaten or bathed until Lukas came over so-"

"But you're not giving up. Lukas might be the cause but you're the one making the effort and for that I'm proud." Philip put his hand on top of Helen's and waited for Gabe to bring them bowls. Gabe and Helen took theirs onto the porch as Lukas made himself and Philip a bowl and sat down next to him.

"It's still pretty hot so be careful." Lukas put an extra napkin on Philip's lap and poured ginger ale on some ice for him pushing the glass next to his hand only to be stopped by Philip's hand.

"What? What's wrong?" Lukas looked from the bowl to Philip and he leaned over the table and kissed Lukas softly. Lukas was surprised but accepted the kiss gracefully. Philip pulled away and Lukas let out a shaky breath.

"What was that for?" Lukas asked opening his eyes to see Philip smiling. God he missed his smile.

"You cooked for me." Philip explained simply making Lukas blush.

"You haven't even tried it yet. It could suck." Lukas laughed.

"It doesn't matter. You made it for me. Thank you." Philip picked up his spoon and started to eat the soup that turned out to be pretty damn impressive. Lukas had to tell him to slow down twice before he got seconds. Helen and Gabe told Lukas he was welcome any time if he kept cooking things like his mother's chicken soup. They fortunately had some leftovers and Gabe said he'd run them over to Bo which Lukas appreciated. Helen cleaned up the kitchen and Lukas took the time to take a shower while Philip straightened his room up a bit, putting Lukas bag on the dresser and fixing the sheets on the bed. He changed his pajamas and kept his eye on Lukas' notebook. He didn't know that he kept a journal after what had happened but he wouldn't break his trust after everything he's done for him.

"You weren't thinking of peeking in there, were you?" Lukas startled him making him grab his chest.

"What no? Of course not. I just...Helen suggested I start...I honestly didn't see you keeping a journal so..." Philip got lost in his thoughts looking at Lukas standing there in a towel, hair wet and dripping down his chest, scar pink from the hot water he had just gotten out of.

"Yeah me either but it helps. I talk about you a lot in there." Philip couldn't find his focus, swallowing hard trying to take his eyes off the trail of hair leading into the towel.

"Y-yeah? All good things I'm sure." Philip joked finally letting his eyes find Lukas' as he stepped closer.

"Of course. Although, I did put in there that you drool when you sleep which is gross but-"

"Shut up." Philip reached out to shove Lukas and Lukas grabbed his arms hoisting him onto his feet. Philip stood flush against Lukas, letting him rest his palms on his hips while he peppered Lukas' neck with kisses.

"You're probably exhausted. You did a lot today." Lukas tried to keep his breathing even but the more Philip sucked on the skin of his chest, the harder he became.

"I slept all day and ate soup. I'm not quite tired enough for bed yet." Philip licked over Lukas' nipple and felt his hands leave his hips to get tangled into his hair.

"Philip." Lukas moaned his name and he pulled away.

"I want to give you something but you have to be quiet. I don't want Helen and Gabe to lecture us." Philip licked the trail of hair and tasted the freshness of Lukas' skin.

"I...you don't have to give me anything." Lukas trembled and Philip stopped.

"I know I don't have to but it's all I can think about and if you'd let me, I'd like to make you feel as good as you make me feel." Lukas looked down at him as Philip got to his knees and couldn't find the words to say so he nodded eagerly. Philip had never done this to Lukas before but he'd thought about it every day since the cabin. He pulled the towel away from his hips leaving him completely exposed before kneeling on top of the towel so his knees wouldn't hurt. He placed a kiss at the tip making Lukas hiss before he licked the crown of his dick seeing Lukas' entire body shake. His arms dangled at his sides and his shoulders were tense from how amazing it felt to have Philip's warm mouth pull him in, sucking and bobbing, letting his fingers grip his ass tightly.

He tasted so clean, Philip almost wished he'd had waited until the morning to really get to taste what Lukas naturally tasted like. He tried to deep throat him too quickly and got flashbacks to being sick last night so he pulled back.

"Fuck." Lukas whimpered and Philip couldn't help but look up. He almost looked in pain how much he was fighting moaning out loud.

"I can't...I can't believe this is real. You're really...you're sucking my dick right now." Lukas was whispering harshly trying to keep his voice down and Philip tried not to smile as he pulled forcefully on the tip with his lips. He grabbed Lukas' hands and put them in his hair urging him to hold on to him.

"I'm...I'm going to...pull off Philip." Lukas warned him trying to tug his hair so he'd know what to expect but Philip grabbed the base of his dick and pumped him quickly. Lukas started to moan frantically and covered his mouth with his hands, bucking into Philip's mouth before coming so hard his legs started to shake. Philip milked him clean running his finger nails carefully up and down his ass before moving him towards the bed. Philip ran his hand up Lukas' thigh intrigued by how much his body was shaking and Lukas grabbed his hands.

"Mmm I...that...you're perfect." Lukas was trying to catch his breath and Philip smirked pulling Lukas' clean boxers on. He opened his eyes and Philip ran his hand through Lukas' cold, wet hair before putting it on his chest which was flushed and hot to the touch.

"I'm hardly perfect, I'm just really good at giving head." Philip laughed but Lukas rolled over on top of Philip plundering his mouth with his tongue, tasting himself and pulling away.

"You better not tell me you love me right now." Philip warned pulling a smile out of Lukas as he stroked his cheeks.

"If I made you feel like that then I'd say we're doing pretty perfect at this whole boyfriends thing." Lukas put little kisses on Philip's face and Philip wrapped his arms around him. Eventually the two moved under the covers to cuddle and Lukas couldn't seem to keep his eyes open. Philip pulled the sheets up almost to Lukas' neck. He slept shirtless and he always worried he'd get too cold in the night but Lukas seemed to run hot all the time. He hovered his fingertip above the scar on his chest. He hadn't had a single nightmare since Lukas started sleeping next to him and he knew he wouldn't always be here with him. He wanted to be strong again. He wanted to be able to be there for Lukas like he's been for him. Thinking back to when they first started, watching Lukas struggle with his identity and now here he was, sleeping peacefully next to his boyfriend. Helen might be proud of him but Philip was proud of Lukas.

"Get some sleep." Lukas mumbled in his sleep, pulling Philip's hand that lingered over his chest into his hand and forcing Philip to rest his head on his shoulder. He closed his eyes thinking about what their future might look like. If they'd ever feel 100% safe and in control of their own insecurities. Philip thought about life would be like with Lukas after high school and he felt a bittersweet excitement. No matter how it all panned out, he'd had to figure out a way to deal with the fact that his mom wouldn't be here to see it.


	4. Chapter 4

_Philip knew exactly where he was. He'd had many dreams on this hill but never knew quite where it was. It wasn't in the city that's for sure but whenever he was he always felt utterly alone. It was a nightmare to stand on a hill with a vast nothingness below him and no matter how loud he screamed, he was utterly alone._

_This time the dream was different. Instead of dark storm clouds, the sun was out. The wind didn’t bite at his skin painfully, it was a light breeze that he took comfort in._

_“Hey monkey.” Philip felt his heart clench from the soft voice behind him. He turned slowly to see his mom standing, the light from the sun illuminating her like an angel. HE couldn’t help but cry when he saw how good she looked. Still thin but not sickingly so and she had color in her skin._

_“Mom…” Philip ran to her, wrapping his arms around her tightly and completely losing it as he sobbed into her shoulder._

_"Oh my precious boy. It's okay. Don't cry." Philip's legs gave out and he plummeted to the ground but his mom was cradling him in her lap trying to soothe his grief, rocking him back and forth. Philip didn't care if this was all just a dream, all he wanted to do was hold onto his mom as tightly as he could and not let her go._

_"It's okay baby. You don't have to cry. I'm right here. I'm always going to be with you." Philip finally sat up and looked at his mom who was cupping his face and wiping away his tears._

_"I miss you so much. I don't know what to do without you." Philip confessed._

_"Oh that's not true baby. You were always taking care of me. Now you can be free to take care of yourself." Philip shook his head._

_"I don't want that! You're my mom! I'd take care of you forever if I had to. I don't want to live in a world you aren't in." Philip protested but his mother took his hands into her own._

_"Sweetheart, I will always exist in your world. You are the spitting image of me on the outside. You have my hair and my eyes, even my smile." Anna ran her hands through Philip's hair to his cheek._

_"When you feel the wind blow, when you see the sunshine through the curtains, when you feel the first snowfall of the year touch your cheek, that's me. I will never leave you and you can always come visit me in your dreams. I promise you that you will never be alone again monkey but you have to start living for you and not me." Philip leaned his face into his mom's hand and held it there with his free hand._

_"Lukas is good for you. He's taking wonderful care of you but you have to let Helen and Gabe in too baby. I'll always be your mom but Helen is going to do a great job of picking up where I left off. I know she will." Philip felt sad tears run down his cheeks again._

_"And I want you to go back to school and get good grades. Be the first one in our family to make something of yourself even if it's not college. Do something you love and follow your heart. I am so proud of you for coming this far already." Anna's face was plastered with a smile as she leaned her forehead against Philip's._

_"It's all my fault...if we'd have told...if I didn't insist on you going to rehab-"_

_"Hey I don't want to hear any of that. You are not to blame for what happened. You and Lukas are just kids. You were scared and rehab was where I needed to be. Everything happens for a reason monkey. This was not your fault." Philip still let his head hang and Anna picked up his chin._

_"Philip Shea, my beautiful baby boy, my pride and joy, you were and always will be my greatest accomplishment in the world." Philip met his mother's gaze and wrapped his arms around her tightly trying to preserve the moment._

_"I love you mom. I love you so much." Philip said into her hair and she rubbed his back._

_"Oh monkey I love you too. If you want to make me proud, if you want to do right by me, you'll live your life and be happy. Love as fiercely as you can because people in this world need your kind of unconditional love." Anna pulled on the bottom of his curls and turned her head to kiss under his ear._

_"Remember, I am always with you."_

Philip woke up suddenly making Lukas jump next to him. 

"Hey! What is it? Are you okay?" Lukas was in a panic as Philip sobbed into his hands, covering his face.

"I saw her...in my dreams. I saw her. She looked beautiful...and happy." Philip couldn't control his tears but Lukas just did his best to follow what he was saying.

"She told me it wasn't my fault. She told me she was proud of me and that she loved me." Philip fell into Lukas' bare chest and Lukas rocked him back and forth. Philip closed his eyes and remembered how his mother rocked him back and forth in his dream. He felt Lukas put one hand in his hair to cradle him and one on his back, stroking his nails up and down his shirt trying to soothe him. He pulled away and looked at Lukas, gripping his face in his hands.

"She knows how good you are at taking care of me and told me to not be scared to let myself love you." Lukas smiled sadly and pushed Philip's damp hair off his face.

"I wished I could have been in that dream with you so I could tell her how sorry I am and promise to be a better boyfriend to you." Philip kissed his forehead.

"She knows. I think she loves you too." Lukas pulled Philip into his chest and laid back against his chest. He played with Philip's hair as he told him all about his dream until he finally drifted off again. When Philip woke up for a second time, the sun had finally come up and Lukas was now wearing a shirt. He was writing in his journal with one hand and using his free hand to stroke through his hair softly trying not to wake him. He watched him soundlessly for a while before Lukas looked down and froze.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" Lukas shut his book and Philip smiled feeling refreshed.

"I don't mind. I like watching you so deep in your thoughts but not hurting. It's a nice change." Philip turned his head to kiss Lukas' palm. Lukas tossed his journal on the nightstand and snuggled down next to Philip.

"Did you have anymore dreams?" Lukas pulled Philip closer to his chest and rubbed his hand up and down his back as Philip settled his hands against Lukas' shirt.

"No but I think I'm ready to get up and eat. I was thinking maybe some french toast?" Lukas laughed.

"I don't know how to make french toast but I'm sure Helen and Gabe could help-"

"I know how to make french toast and since you cooked for me last night, I figured I'd cook for you today. After maybe we could go to that place you wanted to show me." Lukas was thrilled that Philip was willing to get up and leave his room. He got dressed and they went downstairs where Philip cooked breakfast for everyone telling them about his dream and how he was ready to try and go back to school in another week once he's stomach stopped being so weird. He had agreed to try and go to therapy more. They spent the whole day talking about ways Philip could start getting through the hard times rather than just staying locked up in his room. Lukas was relieved to see him smiling again. Helen and Gabe were thrilled how far he'd come in just the past few days. Lukas still couldn't ride his bike so Gabe let him borrow the truck to take Philip to whatever location he was surprising him with, making sure to take blankets in case it got too cold.

"We came at a perfect time. The sun looks beautiful up here." Lukas put the truck in park and got out holding his hand out for Philip to take but he was stunned.

"This place...it's...gorgeous." Philip muttered looking out at the mountains. They were on the top of a hill with a single tree for them to sit under to watch the sunset over the mountain tops. Lukas leaned against the tree and Philip sat between his legs, leaning back against his chest to get comfortable. They sat in each other's company just taking in the beautiful landscape before Lukas broke the silence.

"When my mom got sick, she brought me out here. It was our last trip anywhere and I remember her telling me that she was going to go away." Philip looked over at Lukas, rubbing his hand over his propped knee and leaning into his neck.

"She told me I didn't have to worry though because she would always be with me, whenever the wind blows or the snow falls. Whenever the sun kisses my face or rain soaks me to the bone, she said that would be her and I would never be alone." Philip felt tears prick his eyes and let out a gasp.

"You keep telling me not to say I love you and I keep not saying it. Not because I don't, but because those three words don't seem enough to describe how I feel about you. I was existing until you came to Tivoli. I didn't know what it was like to feel like this, to feel so overwhelmed for another person, to feel nervous around them or care what they think of something you do that you love. I didn't know where I wanted to go or who I wanted to be but now I know that I want to be Lukas Waldenbeck, boyfriend of Philip Shea and I want to be wherever you are." Philip smiled starring at his boyfriend.

"I love you Philip. I love you so much." Philip finally pulled Lukas' lips towards his and tugged on the back of his hair to keep him in place. Something in Philip's chest felt like it had started to dissolve and leave a light warmth spreading through his whole body as Lukas pulled him closer. The two watched the sun go down, taking photos of one another and even a cute selfie of the two of them kissing for Lukas to use as his phone background. Eventually they moved into the back of the truck to watch the stars until Philip started to get tired. This was the perfect spot for Philip to spread his mom's ashes and that's exactly what he did letting the wind carry her away and smiling to himself knowing that she would be watching over him making the best of his life, doing everything he could to make her proud.

**Author's Note:**

> I write most of the prompts sent to my ask box so feel free to check them out. My tumblr Username is AngelsAnarchy.


End file.
